Encouragement, Motherhood

Dear Firstborn, Sorry I Abandoned You

Dear Firstborn,

Andrew, my love, life has changed since your baby sister Lauren got here.. and I’m sure you don’t understand. But, I’m going to use this letter to try my best to explain it, with tears and all.!

I guess the most noticeable change is your nap time schedule. I can no longer rock you like I used to, and I didn’t mind, I enjoyed it. Sometimes, when you’re fussy for bed and your sister is eating, or fussy too, I have to let you go to bed on your own. So me putting you in your bed and walking out may seem like I’m abandoning you, but I’m trying to help you self soothe.

And I feel like I’m always sending you off to grandmas or you spend a lot of time with daddy when he comes home. It’s not that I don’t want to spend the time with you, nothing would make me happier actually. It’s just hard to get you outside to play or do things fun because of the newborn. So I don’t mean to abandon you to other people, I just want you to have some fun that I can’t give right now.

And when you cry, oh it hurts me so much. Especially when I’m busy with your sister. I see hurt in your eyes and understand I caused it because you need attention too, and for that, I’m sorry.

And when your sister first came home, I honestly struggled emotionally.. you both are my world and I love you dearly, but I didn’t connect with her instantly. Maybe it was the post partum depression or maybe it was the fact that you’re so fun and she’s not quite fun yet.. all I really wanted to do was leave her alone and be with you.. I mean you’re my firstborn, and I felt guilty because it appeared, at least in my head, that I was abandoning the one I loved most.. (I have to learn to love her just like I learned to love you too).

But you do so well. You love your sister and I with no reservation, even if I am not always available for you.

How I feel Honestly…

I guess abandoned may not be the right word, but that’s how my heart feels sometimes.

you probably don’t even see it that way. You’re so forgiving. You get over things very quickly, guess you’re more independent than I thought.

But that’s no excuse.

Now that your sister is older, things will get better. We’ll spend more time outside, your dad got the backyard set up for you. I’ll read with you more, like we used to, and play more, because I will learn to let your sister cry a little more too.

I know you’re okay and you’ll get over it, but I never want you to feel like I feel, that I did indeed abandon you. I love you and I’m here for you. I want to continue to show you Christ in the way I care for both you and your sister.

All I ask is be patient with me son, my dear firstborn. Things will get better, and mommy is getting better.

For anyone struggling with feelings of sadness or depression after kids, you are not alone. There are women all over that feel this way and there is help. Please seek local counsel provided by your insurance or find someone to talk to in your area.

But most importantly, Christ can heal all.

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORDand put their trust in him. (psalm 40:1-3)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

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